Now I know why…

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason – and for me as a Christian that reason is always a part of God’s big plan for us. I picture him intently reviewing this really big book he lovingly wrote long ago.  Sometimes this brings me comfort, and sometimes honestly, it confuses me. Why, for example, would he let bad things happen to me (or my family and friends)? I don’t dwell on that question long because it is quickly replaced with the realization that most all of the difficult situations in my life have worked out for good. I can look back on even the most painful times in my life and point to a way that it brought me closer to God or caused some better path to be chosen for me or my family or just simply taught me that I should not lean on my own understanding!
All of us have a handful (and if we are fortunate it isn’t much more than that) of lessons we have had to learn the hard way; trials we have had to endure. We have had disappointments, we have seen dreams dashed, we have buried loved ones too soon, we have been hurt by those we trusted, we have lost hope.
I have one of those kinds of trials, endured as a child at the hand of a trusted family member, that has just very recently been added to my list of “now I know why God did this”! It took over 30 years but I am certain I can now rest in the peace of knowing God planned yet another painful experience in my life to turn into something beautiful.

To tell the story of that redemption, I first need to set the stage for how it happened.

I am currently in the midst of a six month program at my parents’ church called Christ Renews His Parish. It is a wonderful and very effective way for the parishioners of their church to get to know one another, and God, much more intimately. I agreed to go on the weekend to support something that I know is near and dear to my parents’ hearts. I thought I was doing it for them, but it ended up being so incredible for me! The weekend I attended as a participant was in October of last year and it was similar to some other powerful, spirit-filled weekends I have been on before. I drew closer to the Lord and left the weekend feeling more determined to read the Bible more, pray more and do more for those in need. I wanted to be a better wife, a better Mom, a better person in general. Had the experience ended there it would have been good, but what made it great was the process that followed.  This next step is referred to as formation. During formation, the folks who were the participants agree to meet once a week for six months to prepare to be the leaders of the next weekend.

The flurry of all that goes on during the weekend didn’t give us much time to really get to know the other participants on the weekend – but formation has! I never intended to do formation, but after the weekend something told me (of course that something was the holy spirit giving me a little kick in the rear end) there was a reason I needed to be a part of this. I am convinced now that God, in his infinite wisdom, put me in the place I needed to be in order to meet Tonia.

I remember Tonia being on the weekend; she was at a different table and my hunch was someone had twisted her arm to get her to attend.  From a distance, I felt that she was uncomfortable and maybe even sad.  I didn’t have an opportunity to reach out to her during those couple of days other than to smile across the room.  We started to talk a little bit once formation started and on the night she did her “History Sharing, Faith Giving” I learned that we had a particular hurt from our past in common, and the friendship began.  I felt drawn to talk to her at the end of the meeting that night and she then sent me the sweetest card in the mail.  When I got the card I contacted her to see if she might like to meet for dinner one night before our meeting.  We did meet, and we talked and talked and it is so apparent that God lovingly devoted an entire chapter in his big book to “the friendship of Peggy and Tonia”!

I realize now that the reason some friendships have faded away or have simply settled into a routine is because of me – I have needed to humble myself before these friends and focus more on what I can give than what I can get.   I have needed to let God sit in the midst of those friendships, even the ones where Christianity is not something shared between us.   I believe that God is working even in those relationships and that I am called to be true to my heritage as a daughter of Christ at all times.  I am incredibly blessed to have many friends whom I love dearly,  I can’t picture my life without them.  They have held my hand through some of my most difficult struggles.  The process of CRHP has made me reflect on how blessed I am to have all kinds of friends and how empty my life would be without them.  It is a treasure indeed to have friends who never hesitate to pray for me, who don’t look at my shortcomings with a worldly view, who are willing to hold me Biblically accountable and who look forward to spending eternity by my side.

Tonia has in these few short months come to be a friend like I have never really had before.  The transparency of CRHP set the standard for our conversations and so there is never a need to sugar coat things or try to minimize hurt, or disappointment, or joy!   This friendship has set the bar very high for me.  It’s not that I expect more from my other friends now, I expect more from myself.  I feel like God has given me a glimpse of what (in the context of friendship) true acceptance and love looks like and I believe it is what he wants us to strive towards.

So, to bring this thing to a conclusion I need to circle back to the way God redeemed the story from my childhood.  I don’t think its necessary here to go into any detail regarding the specifics of those events. I have moved on and forgiven and the only sadness I have over it all is the division it created in our extended family.  But I had never been able to look it square in the eye and acknowledge the way it turned into good – until I met Tonia.  I am convinced that if we did not have those shared experiences, I would continue to smile at her from across the room.  Instead, she enriches my life and has made me a better person – I am 100% certain of that.  God didn’t write the sin done to me and Tonia in his book – I don’t believe that, but he saw men making human choices and he took that and wrote out an ending that would bring glory to his name and grace to those of us open to receive it.