I saw myself there until I didn’t need to work full time anymore.  It had become my second home, like family, I thought.  It’s funny how quickly things can change, how an okay situation can sour into something unacceptable practically overnight.  That is what happened and it is why I made the hard choice to leave the job I’d been at for 12 years.  That was over four months ago.  Things I took for granted have been taken away, friends I loved seeing everyday are now lunch dates, and many weekends are spent in the office while I get over the hump of the transition – but I am getting over the hump.

My need is not to dwell on all the details of what happened, but rather to focus on what I learned that can help me as I move forward.

I learned that it’s okay to stand up for yourself when things aren’t right even if doing so is difficult and makes other people uncomfortable.  In the end you will know for sure where you belong (or don’t belong).

I learned that after you stand up for yourself and the issues have been laid on the table it is best for your heart to let the hurt go.  Even when someone’s words and actions cause you pain, it is best to forgive.  Holding on to grudges isn’t healthy and prevents us from truly moving forward.  I wanted to start my new job with an open mind and heart so that I could fully embrace all the new experiences and friendships.

I learned that while a job you’ve been at a long time will start to feel like family, these folks are generally more motivated by their own personal goals and desires and can picture themselves without you around.  Worry most over the people that can’t see their lives without you – your true family.  If the job you are in is causing you so much distress that your family is suffering, it is time to consider a change.

Change is scary – but it is also invigorating and I now believe necessary.  If I am honest, I was in a rut at the job and I think that can happen to all of us over time.  Moving to a new position challenges us to get out of our comfort zones.  I have learned so much more in the last four months than I would have ever learned if I stayed put.  I have a new appreciation for what I am capable of and I am proud of myself in new ways.

I also believe that having God in the center of my decision making process made all the difference.  I could see him opening doors for me, I just had to be brave enough to walk through.

I know many CrossFit stories start out something like this – “If you had told me I’d be able to do this I never would have believed you”.  Well, I hate to sound cliche but that is my one year story in a nut-shell.  When I started a year ago pull-ups were in my first WOD.  I had to use a green and red band to do any.  My one year anniversary workout (as luck would have it) had pull-ups and during the course of the workout I did 50 (kipping) without any bands at all!  If you had told me a year ago I’d be able to do that, I never would have believed you.  Lots of push-ups are happening, double-unders have started to click, I can rope climb, I’ve even managed a handstand push-up!  The barbell and adding heavy weights on it is still something I struggle with, but the struggle isn’t anything like it used to be.  During the foundations class I recall Jon wanted us to try a deadlift.  I think it might have been a 55 or 65# bar and I couldn’t make it budge off the floor.  Now my deadlift 1RM is 175#!!  It seems a bit far-fetched to imagine my shear strength would have increased that much in a year, and I don’t think it has.  What has increased that much though, is my mental strength, and that is making a difference in every facet of my life.

If you had told me a year ago that CrossFit would make me better at my job, I never would have believed you.

If you had told me a year ago that CrossFit would make me reconsider all the things I put in my mouth, I never would have believed you.

If you had told me a year ago that CrossFit would significantly improve all my relationships, I never would have believed you.

What I believe now is that mental strength is the most important thing we can bring with us to any workout setting.  Without it, we are just going through the motions.  Without it, we don’t care enough to read about our sport, study the ways we can be better and truly listen to our coaches.  Sure, our bodies need to be free of serious injury and in the proper state to grow – but I think that as long as we couple those things with true focus – we can make amazing things happen.

I can no longer imagine life without CrossFit – and that is certainty something I would not have believed a year ago!

Here’s the 1 year anniversary video Chris made for me:

I can’t make sense of it all.  Writing helps me process.

I was allowed to hug him tight as we fell asleep last night and help make his coffee this morning before he left for work.  She wasn’t.  Our children got to look their Dad in the eye last night and tell him they loved him.  They didn’t.  Friends have been sending panicked messages since yesterday afternoon and I have been able to reply and assure them he is okay.  When she gets those messages, her reply confirms the worst.

The events at FSU on Wednesday scared all of us with college aged children because they could have been there.  On a deeper level it scared me because it could have been Chris rushing towards the shooter.  That is always there – the reality that any normal day could turn into the worst day of my life, in an instant.  That happened to her yesterday.

Tears of relief for our family mixed with grief for theirs continue to flow off and on. When I read friends’ messages that reference “our” Chris tears from the deepest part of me well up.  A new awareness that he isn’t just mine has formed. When someone is brave enough to work for our community in professions that put them in harms way, they belong to all of us.  That is what I feel certain we must embrace for Chris Smith’s family now – a combined effort to care for them because of how he cared for us.

They shared a name and the same birthday – but what every single one of our men and women on duty share is a love for their community, a dedication to public safety and a willingness to put themselves in harms way to keep us safe.

A week ago I took the “less is more” concept to my head (literally).  I got my hair cut really short and I LOVE it!  It felt so good to let go of those notions that we must keep our hair a certain length to look like a woman.  I feel very womanly and yet powerful (and even a bit sexy).  I love that I can fix my hair in less than two minutes now.  For several weeks I had been struggling to find a way to fit some yoga and meditation into my morning routine after getting home from CrossFit.  Now I can! The response from friends and family has been so great and I have had three friends this week post pictures of their new, shorter hairdos!  If I had any small part in giving another woman the extra nudge she needed to go for it, I am extremely humbled.  To me, being feminine is about everything going on inside our hearts and heads.  The beauty there is what creates the exterior – regardless of whether or not we have Disney princess hair.  Wanting CrossFit muscles doesn’t really fit that mold anyway.  Besides, I can’t sing.

Why doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t fix it or change it or take away the pain.  Actually, it kinda makes it worse.  Worse because by the time you can ask yourself “why” you are already in the middle of it (whatever it is). Today I’m feeling melancholy for a friend from crossfit and I’m struggling not to get caught up in the “WHY is this happening to him?” state of mind.  Doctors should ask why, therapists can ask why – but I really believe friends and loved ones are better off asking “what”.  What can I do to help?  What am I learning from his amazing resilience?  What can be done to raise awareness?  What resources are available to make life less difficult for him?

Most importantly, don’t let the question ever be “WHY didn’t I offer my love and support sooner”!!

The month of June will bring a couple really cool things – my 6 month anniversary as a crossfitter and my 43rd bday.  I’m slightly more excited about the CrossFit anniversary to be honest – so if you feel inclined to get me a gift, the anniversary is June 9th (just kidding of course, but my shoe size is 7 and I could really use some lifting shoes – again, just kidding).

As I approach this half-year milestone I find myself looking back at pictures of those first few weeks and reflecting on how far I’ve come.  This refection is coming at the same time as I find my Facebook wall plastered with articles opposing CrossFit and articles written in defense of CrossFit.  I’ve read a few of them (on both sides) and since I agree almost entirely with those passionately written to defend the sport we love, the articles I find more interesting are those written against our sport.  Reading someone else’s perspective gives me an opportunity to honestly evaluate something I am spending a lot of time and money on.  It has given me a chance to think about how our coaches perform and to ask myself if I have ever felt pushed to attempt things beyond my capacity.  These articles have allowed me to consider how I feel about being viewed as part of a cult!

Here are some of the conclusions I have arrived at.  First of all, I am so glad that my sport is challenging enough to have an element of “danger” to it.  I recall reading an article when the boys were small and started skateboarding that indicated there is scientific evidence that children who are encouraged to challenge themselves to the more difficult and “dangerous” elements on a playground and in sports end up being the leaders in our communities.  I think that is on display in my CrossFit box where I work out next to doctors and lawyers and accountants and chiropractors…  Our minds and bodies want to be challenged, that is how we have been beautifully created.  I am grateful that the coaches at Tallahassee CrossFit are wise and careful and have never encouraged me to do something I shouldn’t do.  They do however encourage me to do things I don’t think I can do (because they know I can) and that is why I am getting stronger and better.  I injured my knee running in a marathon the week before I started CrossFit, it’s still not all the way better – and all my coaches help me choose modifications when I need them so that I have the time and space I need to heal.  They are invested in me in a way I have never experienced while working out before!

The CrossFit community at large (and at my box) is committed to total health and well-being and promotes the things we should be doing to keep the one body we have been blessed with functioning as well as it possibly can.  Chris started CrossFit a few months before me and I learned so much about diet and nutrition from the CrossFit magazines he brought home in those early months.  We both became consumed with what we could do (especially since we are older than many of those we work out with) to be strong and competitive.  Our first step was eliminating alcohol – and that happened almost a year ago!  Next we started down the path of eating Paleo so that our bodies would not be additionally challenged to digest processed foods or chemicals.  Recently we completed the 21 day sugar detox which further showed us evidence of what is hiding in the foods we blindly eat everyday.  During these changes I have found my body works so much more naturally well and I feel and sleep so much better!  I was contemplating surgery for a problem fixed by eliminating sugar and the low feelings I often had from hormone imbalance are much less severe.

CrossFit has changed my family’s life; in some ways I think it saved it!  Reading articles written by those who seek to diminish CrossFit is distressing because they are trash-talking something I wholeheartedly love.  But CrossFit isn’t for everyone, and there are other sports and practices that can deliver some of these same results – but I can’t think of any that could deliver without some element of risk.  When my body wakes up at 4:15 a.m. my mind has to wake up too.  I go to the box engaged and present and I don’t just mindlessly hop on a treadmill and expect to hop off fit and ready for whatever life might throw my way.  I focus through every WOD and I think about all my movements and how I can be as efficient as possible given my particular set of strengths and weaknesses.  This practice prepares me for my day and my life in ways nothing else ever has.  I feel more in tune with myself than ever before and it is making me better at everything else I do.

Falling in love with movement and challenge like I have through CrossFit makes me more authentically fascinated by anyone out there moving in a challenging way.  No matter what my friends are posting on Facebook, be it running or preparing for a Spartan race, or dancing or swimming – I am much more intrigued by the process.  I think it is a beautiful time in history when science has provided for us an understanding of how things work in such a precise way that our bodies can perform as close to perfect as possible.  Thank you friends for all you are doing to inspire me every single day by getting out there and doing what you love.  Keep it up and let’s challenge one another to be our very best – regardless of what sport it is that gets us there.

We grow up learning lessons about all kinds of things.  Most of our parents and teachers are well-intentioned.   They guide us through those early years the best they can with the information they have.  As pint sized people we are sponges; we soak it all up, absorbing that information (whatever it is) until it becomes a part of us.

I had a thing, taught to me all my life, that I am unlearning thanks to new teachers.

I was taught to believe that love can only be truly shared between a man and a woman and anything else is unnatural.

I was taught to believe that marriage is reserved for a husband and wife and God wouldn’t dwell in a home with any other arrangement.

I don’t believe those things any longer.  I have been blessed to witness a life full of reverence and passion for our Lord and Savior, a reverence and passion that impacts all of her decisions and which guides her daily walk in a way that is obvious to all who meet her.  This friend puts others before herself every single time there is that opportunity and gives more to help children in need than anyone I know.  This same heart, which I believe can only come from God, loves women.  She has had all the struggles you would imagine thinking about what God sees when he looks at her.  She has had all the questions you would imagine about why she feels this way and if she can force it to be different.  She has struggled to conform so she won’t be judged, she has hidden her reality to try not to make others uncomfortable.  Why would my friend, with such a pure and giving heart, choose to be defiant?  Why would she choose a difficult road in her adult life when her young life was plagued with difficulties?   I am convinced she wouldn’t.  I am convinced her love comes from the same genuine place all love comes from and I want her to have it and hold it and cherish it in the same way I am free to do.  What is there besides love that matters at all?  Nothing!

I don’t have all the answers, I am a new sponge, working through these new lessons.  When I pray about this though I keep coming back to the reality of sin in all of our relationships.  When God looks down at my home I am certain he sees that it contains more greed and pride than he would like.   Who am I to say that upsets him any less than things he might see in the home across the street or in the home of a homosexual couple?  What I do know is going through the prayerful process of unlearning those old lessons makes my heart feel convicted and at peace.  Much more at peace than when it was judging and condemning.  Much more at peace because I can celebrate love, in all its beautiful forms, shared by everyone around me.

“This sport is here to make anything you do outside of the gym better.  So use it for that.  Have fun with it.” Chris Spealler

I love that quote – it makes so much sense to me now that I’ve been a part of Crossfit for three months.  I can see things happening to my muscles I never would have imagined, I can tell that I am stronger and more aware of my movements and I am having fun.   I have a hunch though, that when Spealler says “anything” he is speaking of more than just fitness and movement.  The “anything” that Crossfit is impacting for me spills over into my family life, my job, my sleep, my energy, my happiness, my desire to eat better and because all of those things are better, so is my quality of life!!

Fitness, in one form or another, has almost always been a part of my story.  I started ballet at an early age and studied that all through grade school, I moved on to group fitness in college and ended up getting certified as an instructor and taught group fitness classes for a few years.  Then I spent a couple of years in performance clogging and most recently I poured all my energy into running.  I loved all of those challenges but there is something different about Crossfit than I have found with anything before.   During my marathon training Chris started Crossfit.  He was all in from his very first workout and kept telling me I needed to give it a try.  For months he would mention it and tell me that my personality as a “rule follower” and my quiet competitiveness would work in my favor.  I could see where he was coming from, but what I argued is that those things mean nothing when you can’t do a push up or a pull up and feel intimidated by anything heavy.  Eventually he convinced me to see for myself what this thing was all about.  The week after the marathon (exactly 3 months ago) I went to my foundations class.   I remember feeling overwhelmed and scared of hurting myself, but that class helped me understand that you start this sport at exactly the fitness level you are and focus everyday on getting better.   What’s great is it doesn’t appear to me there ever becomes a point at which you have “arrived” – there will always be room for improvement, for pushing yourself harder.  I like that because it’s how we should be in all aspects of our lives; start from today, keep trying harder and never stop growing!!  What I also quickly discovered is that a lot of those feelings of being scared and overwhelmed came from not believing in myself.  Everyone at CrossFit Tally has been so instrumental in helping me over that hurdle.  I never feel (unless it is self-imposed) like I didn’t do well on any given day – even when my score is the very lowest of the day.  This community of athletes, that I am honored to be a part of, have become extremely important to me.  I care deeply for their success, in the gym and out – and it is because of this magical thing that is happening when we are breaking ourselves down to build ourselves up.  You can’t help but bond with folks when you are putting it all out there like this.

A couple of weeks ago when I cracked my tooth after hitting my chin with the bar I realized that something about me had changed. The me before CrossFit would have likely stopped and felt no desire whatsoever to push through – but CrossFit is helping me find this different kind of strength and resilience I didn’t even know existed, and that is making a difference in every aspect of my life!  I still have a long way to go to RX every move and get through workouts quickly, but I can also see how far I’ve already come.  I can’t wait to discover what the next three months brings!

I seriously underestimated tragedy.  She is not the one-dimensional bitch I always perceived her to be.  There is a flip-side of tragedy that I am starting to come to terms with.  I don’t think you can really appreciate the complexity of something until you have lived through it yourself; seen the pain with your own eyes, heard the wailing with your own ears – felt the emptiness deep within your own soul.  Losing one of my very best friends in August and my cousin last week, both to suicide, has created a need for me to travel to an emotional place I would never have wanted to go.   I have not been on the journey alone though, and that has made all the difference.

Last week after receiving the news that Andy was gone I felt an immediate need to be with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousins Kristin and Kevin.   I wanted to be there to hold my family’s hands and hug them tight.  I wanted to pray with them.   It was inspiring watching them and listening to them just a day after the unimaginable had happened.  There was so much love in that house – so much consideration and respect – so much thoughtful dialogue, and so much trust in the Lord.  I felt honored to have a place at the table while important matters were discussed and while very important prayers were said.  I grew in closeness to those members of my family in a way that I don’t think any other kind of event would have provided the opportunity for.

As hundreds of us gathered for Andy’s funeral several days later I was overwhelmed by the love on display.  Words of encouragement and memories of Andy were shared by many in that room.   All of those things were poignant and beautiful but a couple comments really stood out to me.  Andy’s Uncle Warden encouraged us to look around – to see all the hundreds of people who loved Andy and his family enough to take time to be there that day.  Why is it with all this love, Andy felt alone?  Why is it that he didn’t recognize the number of people who would have done anything in their power to prevent this?  Warden challenged each of us to do more to not only reach out to those we love, but to be honest with others regarding what we are going through ourselves.  We are not put here to walk this road alone.  God knows we need community.

Community is what I felt all weekend.  As we stood at the graveside I looked around and nearly half the people there were family members who I have known all my life.  I felt a gratitude for this group of people that I have never felt before.  I knew with certainty each of them would do anything for me; regardless of the time between visits I will always be able to call them and ask for their help if I need it.

There is nothing I would like more than for Andy to be here to feel that love!!  The tragedy of his loss gave many of us a rare glimpse at all we are blessed to be surrounded by.

When I look up the word tragedy I am drawn more to the synonyms than the definition itself.  The painful words that show up as synonyms are disaster, calamity, blow, trial, tribulation, adversity.  Those are the things that tragedy is on the surface.  Nothing can take away the awful reality of what happened but what I see now is that on the flip- side of the tragedy are things like survival, togetherness, strength, compassion, hope, grace and love.

in no particular order, my memories:

losing toni

running a marathon

conner graduating from high school

meeting maddie

moving!

living with mom and dad

having a cat for a couple months (sweet stash)

starting crossfit

training runs with the coasters

four family graduation party

book club beach weekend

guest teacher at FSU law school law office management class

friends with sick children

friends with sick husbands

Tonia’s surgery and subsequent medication debacle

true spiritual high moments

spiritual low moments

100 days! +++

firm anniversary retreat at Amelia Island