For far too long I have been wandering – lost and lonely for the warmth and feeling of my heavenly Father’s arms tight around me.  I know that it hasn’t been because he hasn’t been longing to hold me tight, but rather I have been pushing away and questioning and in some ways acting as if I’m smarter than all the Christians I have been blessed to spend my entire life with.

I’m thankful for this culmination of what has been a long pause in my spiritual journey because I’m ready to actually start moving again not just standing still questioning which way to go.  As I read in “Mere Christianity” last week, we can spend a lot of time in the hallway but the rooms are where the good things happen.  I want to be in a room again (a church) and celebrate Christ with friends and family.

My biggest questions have come from a real desire not to be an elitist, it seems wrong to consider myself a person who has it all figured out and has the golden ticket because of my belief in Christ.  It’s hard for me to be okay with the idea that so many won’t be allowed in Heaven.  What I am starting to come to terms with is God is so much bigger and grander and wiser and kinder and all encompassing that my small brain can even start to imagine and so of course it will be fair and just and loving and perfect.  I need to stop trying to find the answers inside a world that is sinful and so far from perfect and trust our God who is perfect.  As I read in “The Circle Maker” – “If you seek answers you won’t find them, but if you seek God the answers will find you.”

I’m so thankful the books “Mere Christianity” and “The Circle Maker” were in my life at the time I was open and hungry for change and a new direction.  I want desperately to be more humble and less worried about all the answers or being in exactly the “right” church – I just need to be somewhere so that what has been planted can be watered and grow!

When we saw the three deer in the mountain I felt like they were looking right through me.  I felt as if time was standing still.  I felt surrounded by beauty and goodness and not a single outside distraction was present.  On reflection later that day I was overcome with emotion as it hit me that God gave me that moment with he and his son and his holy spirit (the three deer) to show me that I need to have all three to fully move from this stagnant place in my spiritual journey.  Jesus is a very real and critical part of the story of my life and I want to celebrate that with pride and abandon every day of my life.