Two weeks ago I crossed the finish line at the Space Coast marathon in Cocoa Beach.  So much went into getting to that finish line, and so much happened to me during the process.  I consider myself a runner for the first time in my life; it is a part of who I am now. Through running I learned a lot about being inside my head, about time alone with thoughts and prayers, about how much stronger we are than we give ourselves credit for!  Everyone I ran with had something going on that complicated the process of training – but they were (and continue to be) committed to working through those issues.   That level of determination was so inspiring to me.

Back in June when Robin Adams and Robin Bennett talked me into giving running a try I went out on a few one mile runs by myself to see how things would go.   I wasn’t at all conditioned for the activity, but I was fortunate to be on a mini vacation in Destin and so I got to run along the sidewalk next to the beach with lots of other runners.  It felt like community to me already.  I would get back to the room and report my progress to the Robins and they would text back with such kind and supportive comments.  That support, coupled with the friendly waves from fellow runners along the beach planted in me a seed that continued to be watered in June and July.

Then came August 5th – the day Toni died.

That day I went to lunch with my sweet friend Ann, and she asked how running was going.  I told her it was strange how easily I had taken to it and how empowered I felt by it.  When I got back to work from lunch I sent her a little email thanking her for lunch and added the comment “I’m not sure how to explain it Ann, but I feel certain God has a plan for me through running, I just don’t know what it is yet.”  Ten minutes later I got the call that something had happened at Toni’s house.

Those next few days are an absolute blur.  What I remember most is how critical Laureen was to me having any strength at all.  We were at lunch a couple of days later (we were nearly inseparable that week) and she told me that her Mom felt certain we would find a way to make this mean something, we wouldn’t let Toni die in vain.  I knew in that instant that God  was giving me strength in running so that I could use it to help raise awareness of the things we can do when we have a friend or family member that might be contemplating suicide.

Training for the months following had an entirely different intensity.  I never felt alone.  I would talk to Toni. A lot.  I started training by myself more often because I needed that time to be with her memories.   I started looking into events that are organized to raise awareness and found that many of those events are walking events.  I decided that was okay – I would make every running event I participate in be in memory of Toni.  I had a shirt made that would allow me to make Space Coast, and any other run, my personal contribution to the fight against the stigma that keeps so many people from talking about how they are feeling.   So many people struggle with not feeling like they can keep putting one foot in front of the other – so I want to keep putting my feet to the pavement in honor of them.

Wearing that shirt during the marathon provided an opportunity for a few people to come up and talk to me, and so it worked!  I sobbed as I crossed the finish line, my legs were DONE, but my heart was full.  I was so blessed to have both of my Robins waiting for me at the finish line.  They were truly there for me from the first step to the last!

But Space Coast won’t be the last time I cross a finish line!  What I am most excited about now is something Laureen and I are planning on doing in June of next year.   We are planning to walk through the night (18 miles from sundown to sunup) in an event called “Out of the Darkness” sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  My earnest prayers are that everything comes together to allow us to take this journey together in honor of Toni and her sweet family.

When I took those first awkward steps 6 months ago, I never could have predicted they would provide healing the way they have.  I am certain God was there with me every step of the way, and I am excited to see where his strength will take me next.