inside my head

Yesterday I set off on my own to complete an 18 mile training run.  As I prepared to leave the house I was focused on the physical things I would need (water, energy replacement, tissues, chapstick, headphones…) but what I didn’t give much thought to was how to prepare for that amount of time alone with my thoughts.  I have done nearly all of my long runs with groups of friends.  We push through the miles with stories of all sorts.  We contemplate many of lives mysteries (mostly of the male variety), and we counsel one another through difficulties (again, mostly of the male variety).  I will never again underestimate the comfort of distraction.

In roughly this order, here are some of the things that were going on inside my head:

Holy crap (as I’m driving to deposit a water bottle and energy bar at the 9 mile turn around point) this is an insane distance to run – and I have to do it twice!  Note to self, don’t drive the distance you will run immediately prior to a run again!

So Robin A. said to dress like it is 20 degrees warmer than it is – but I just can’t take this long sleeve shirt off when it is only 54 degrees outside so I’m running with it.

Wow, the St. Mark’s Trail is so pretty first thing in the morning.

Okay – so I’ll get back  to the audio of Atlas Shrugged – I am really excited to see if John Galt is real.  I think maybe Dagny is going to meet him and fall in love and they will live happily ever after.

Hey – there’s the shower where the girls said the homeless guy comes.  Hum, I hope the homeless guy isn’t taking a shower when I run by.

Is it too early to have one of those yummy Shot Bloks?

Sure glad I stopped and bought tissues – man my nose runs a lot in the cold!

Okay, so what mile marker did i put my water bottle at?  I think it was around 6, and how much farther is that?

I hope Chris is getting some good sleep – he so deserves it with all those extra shifts he is working.  I miss him.

When I’m on the trail do the rules of the road apply and should I be on the left side of the road or is it different on the trail?

What should I have for lunch?

I haven’t checked Facebook in two hours!

I think I should have cut my toenails better – but hell if I’m taking these compression socks off to check now!

How many women have been attacked out here?  How could I possibly run with my gun as Chris suggests?  I already have two fanny packs full of stuff I have to carry!

This port a potty is pretty nice.

Okay – half way there.  I can do this, just remember how far away that seemed when you drove it, and you made it! – oh crap, I have to do it all over again!

What is that tingly sensation on the outside of my knee?

Was that a snake?

Money really doesn’t buy happiness, but I would love enough to go on a vacation this year.

I don’t give a shit who John Galt is!   (At this point I turn the audio book off and all I can hear are my footsteps and my breathing.)

Why are so many of my friends going through such difficult times.  I can barely keep track of all the prayers I need to be saying because so much is happening in their lives.

Am I a good friend, am I doing all I should do for these friends?

I can’t run another step – I need to walk.

Why did I register for this damn race?

I don’t think there is anyone who doesn’t deal with some sort of crap.  I guess our only hope is to be authentic and transparent with one another.  My goal is to be the kind of friend who always helps you dig out, not dig deeper.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m not prepared.

I’m not good enough.

Oh look, it’s Julie, and she is finishing up mile 20.

I’m not going to look like a loser and walk to the end.

I’ve been training for months.

This is only 3 miles longer than my last long run.

I am prepared.

I am good enough.

I am finished – man these tears taste good.